Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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