you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
