I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
