i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
