Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
