I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
MIDGETS
????
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
