I faked an abortion last night.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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