Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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