I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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