omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
