Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
vagina is talking i cant
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
