please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My ass is underappreciated
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
