He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
