he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
