They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
