Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
