I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
