dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
