I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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