the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
