can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
