We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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