I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
