its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
