she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
