Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
