In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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