My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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