im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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