bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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