I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize