The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I could fuck to npr.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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