Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
