My liver just broke up with me...
well you can't waste a boner
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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