I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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