Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
