you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
