so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
my poor anus
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
