i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
