but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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