Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
