mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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