So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
