His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
