i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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