Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
