I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
