ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
