Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
it's like heaven, but drunker
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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