I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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