I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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