she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Four minutes until I can fart!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You may now shotgun with the bride
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Randomize
